I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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