it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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