My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
