Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
