I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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