Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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