Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize