Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
