We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
