I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
