My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
