i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
