I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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