he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
