She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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