I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
