you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
