It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I need to align my fucking chakras
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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