I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
