just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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