I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
