I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize