low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
