i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
