i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
