The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
