we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
