I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
