hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
