Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
