YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
