I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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