The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Every concussion has its silver lining
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
