in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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