Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
