Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
