I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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