I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
