the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
