i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
