He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
