the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
