I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
