in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
