I just pynch a tree in the face
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
