I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
