I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
