Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
