if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
