i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
