but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
