my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
