I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
