Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Still dying that you shit outside
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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