I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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