"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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